Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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