Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
