Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
