Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My bed smells like the plague
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
