i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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