Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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