i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
