So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
