Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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