she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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