I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
