i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
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True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.