I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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