some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
