Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
