Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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