I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
