Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
