You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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