Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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