why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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