just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
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I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
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A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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