Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
