I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
