Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
