Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
