Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
