Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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