i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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