Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
