you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
