Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
