Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
