haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
