This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
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I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
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I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize