shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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