Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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