he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
