my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
