nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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