Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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