if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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