he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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