Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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