I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We are all done wearing pants today
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
