my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
