If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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