He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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