Umm I'm too high to move.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
