What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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