I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
