You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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