So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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