I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
