Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
