Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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