So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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