I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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