oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
