are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
